Meet My Girl

I started with post out about my birthday. It was oh so whiny and pathetic that it was promptly deleted with a grimace. I'm 27. Yay.
Instead of being that depressing, cranky mom right now, I'm going to attempt to write about something that I am extremely grateful and insanely happy about: my daughter.

Meet Nimue.

I'm 2! And seeing The Minions in 3D, my first time at the movie theater.

This girl is the most amazing little princess I have ever had the joy of meeting. And yes, I am extremely biased ;)
Let me reflect briefly about her wonderful existence.

I have been a stay-at-home-mom since the day this girl was born. To be honest, I was home since being 4 months pregnant. Nimue wasn't our first pregnancy, but our fourth. I feel like that makes her all that much more special and amazing to me.
You can't have rainbows without a little rain.
So, after a painful and stressful pregnancy, this little girl made her appearance in the world. And she forever changed mine. It is truly hard to remember a time before her. I'm fairly certain that I slept and watched TV a whole hell of a lot.
Anyways, I've had the pleasure of teaching and learning with this girl for the past two years. That time is coming to an end, hopefully temporarily while her parents figure their shit out. But I am forever grateful for the time that I get to share with this girl, however short it is these days. I love the way she is such a goofball. She loves everything girl related, from tutus and princesses, to necklaces and hairbrushes. Getting dirty is a must and rocks are the coolest toys ever. Rain boots are her favorite accessory and she has never met a piece of chocolate that she doesn't like. Her smile lights up the dark and her silly faces made my day brighter.
In short, she is just one cool chick.

Since my husband and I are going through a separation, but working on things, I don't get to spend as much time with this girl as I would like. And she won't be little forever. Part of me is angry and I feel like our time is being cut short and ripped away. I want my daughter, every minute of every day. I have worked in child care since leaving high school, and always thought how silly it would be to go back to teach other children when I can be with and teach my own. The very thought of bringing her to daycare and then go to another room to teach other children seriously makes me tear up. But this is life.
 The other part of me is grateful for the time that I have had and still have with her. Only seeing her half of the time is not something that I ever thought that I would have to deal with. But it's life now and I need to accept it... But my heart is fighting like hell against it!
Anyways, this is Nimue. My love and my life.

Emotional Eating Can Suck It.

My sore muscles are singing a song of love today.
Why love my sore muscles?
Don't we usually complain about the pain of our muscles and describe how much we loath the very thought of doing one more crunch?
Well, that's usually me too. The only way you would find me running is away from a zombie outbreak or onto Daryl Dixon's bike. And since neither of those will be happening any time soon (Norman???), I doubt you will be seeing me running in the near future.
Let's talk emotions for a minute. I don't know about you, but mine are in the can. And since, well, forever, I've frequently drowned my emotions in luscious chocolate and long-John donut custard. And that is pretty much what I have been doing for the last two mnths. I'm pretty sure some potato chips have made their way in there as well. Maybe.
So, while my daughter, let's call her little N, was gone for her 4 days, I was filled with dread of the quiet, the boredom, the loneliness. Seriously, what does someone who has lived for their child and family do when they have suddenly been thrust into this life that was totally unexpected and, to be honest, extremely boring?
I've been doing the whole movie watching and The Walking Dead obsessing since we've been living in the deep woods. Books are a huge love affair to me, but how do you consume yourself with a story when you can't concentrate on the words.
And that refrigerator was calling my name. I was all alone. I could do what I wanted without the guilt of another person counting how many chips I've had or exactly how much of that dip will be left for later. (Do people do that, or is all in my imagination?)
That familiar feeling of self guilt and disappointment set in. Then the memory of the too full, sick feeling you get when you eat way too much crap. And ultimately the fat food hangover that would inevitably follow the next day.
I'm not feeling it.
I just don't freakin' want it.
Instead, I grabbed the IPad, found the old 30 Day Challenge I started how ever long ago, and got to it. My unused, lazy muscles have protested all the way. And when I was done with day one, I found some Yoga to do as well.
Laying on the ground, resting after doing my best at working out, I felt fantastic! In pain, but fantastic. Invigorated. Empowered.
I've heard for so long that when you are down and upset, work out instead of grabbing junk food. I always scoffed. But maybe it's worth a second thought.. Because for the last few days, instead of wallowing in self pity and eating anything that looked good, I worked out. I stuck pretty well to my Weight Watchers (self followed- another story for another time), ate carrots and measured out peanut butter instead of spoons fulls, fruit instead of chocolate, cried when I had to, and lost a pound.
Sore muscles and healthy eating has won out over rolling my too-full body off of the couch to get another cookie.
And it feels pretty great.

Navigating the Waters of Shit

My name is Sonny. And I'm married. But I'm very much a single woman. How, you ask, is that even possible? If you're married, you're married. End of story. Cue house, car, cats, dogs, kids. Happily ever after.
Not quite.
I've been married for almost 7 years and thought things were great. We had just bought a house, both our cars were paid off, we had just started to really get into the life that we had been talking so much about for the past how many years. Our daughter was happy, I've been a stay at home mom since she was born and loving every smile face, snot running day of it. My husband was working in the same job for years and got great benefits. We had just gotten chickens and were working on getting rabbits soon. Our little homestead in the woods was in the beginning stages and starting to shape up. We were happy.
And it was complete bullshit.
Sure, on the surface, we were happy. Life seemed great.
But life has this knack of kicking you in the ass somethimes. And that's exactly what happened to me. One fight led to another, and more feelings were pushed way too far down, communication channels were mucked with shit and our passion for life, for one another started to vanish in the fog of life.
So where has life kicked my ass to?
My mom's house right smack in the middle of nowhere, Wisconsin for the past two months. It's left me trying to clean up the mess that I made, we made, all while still poking me with a stick along the way. I'm looking for a job two hours away from where I'm staying and working on putting my life back together, one fragile piece of a time.
The funny thing is, you put so much time and energy into fixing other people's issues, journeying through other people's gossip and bullshit that you forget to clean up your own messes. You just sweep them all snug under the rug until the next time shit hits the fans. Then that rug becomes an arsenal to keep accumulating more and more until you can no longer dig your way out. And then you are left wondering what went wrong and how to fix it, or even how to move on.
I'm still trying to figure that out.
Until that "ah-ha" moment hits me on how to fix said pile of shit, I'll keep watching/obsessing over The Walking Dead, spending time with a mostly supportive family, chatting with my amazing mother (whom I have never given enough credit and love to), playing and living with my daughter, and hopefully getting back to the hobbies that I love: reading and writing.
Am I sometimes whiny and a little annoying to listen to? Probably. But do I want pity? Hell no. I'm just a simple woman looking for a chance to fix her life and find herself along the way.